How easy is it to fall off a log? Where is the middle of nowhere? Do we really have no bananas? The readers of OLD GIT magazine are a batty, befuddled, potty-mouthed bunch, who seem to spend a significant chunk of their spare time corresponding with the publication's popular letters page. DO ANTS HAVE ARSEHOLES? is a very funny, very silly collection of questions and answers taken from this column, none of which has any basis whatsoever in fact. A must for all those who relish a heady mixture of shaggy-dog stories, toilet humour and utter lack of insight.

Do Ants Have Arseholes?

A collection of the full-cast BBC Radio dramatisations of novels by Terry Pratchett Somewhere on the frontier between thought and reality exists the Discworld, a parallel time and place which might sound and smell very much like our own, but which looks completely different... Published for the very first time are seven full-cast BBC Radio dramatisations of Terry Pratchett's novels, with star-studded casts including Martin Jarvis, Sheila Hancock, Anton Lesser, Philip Jackson, Alex Jennings and Mark Heap. Mort Hopeless young peasant Mort is hired as an apprentice to Death. He'll have free board, use of the company horse, and being dead isn't even compulsory. In fact, it's a dream job - until he discovers that it can be killer for his love life... Wyrd Sisters Three witches meet on a blasted heath. A king is cruelly murdered. A child heir and the kingdom's crown are both missing. But Granny Weatherwax finds that meddling in royal politics is a lot more complicated than certain playwrights would have you believe... Guards! Guards! In Ankh-Morpork, the Haves and the Have-Nots are about fall out. Again. The Night Watch's Captain Vimes is used to this but when the Have-Nots find the key to a lethal, dormant weapon that even they don't understand, he knows it's time so sober up. Eric When precocious young Eric Thursley summons a demon from the loathsome pit to fulfil his every wish, he wants what everyone wants - immortality, to rule the world, and have the most beautiful woman love him. Instead he gets Rincewind, the Disc's most incompetent wizard. Small Gods On the Discworld, Gods are as numerous as herring roe, all elbowing for space at the top. In such a competitive environment, you need an acolyte, and fast. For the Great God Om, Brutha is the Chosen One, or at least the only One available... Night Watch Living in the past is hard. Dying in the past is incredibly easy, especially when there is a serial killer on the loose who targets coppers. Commander Sam Vimes of the City Watch is back in his own rough, tough past, and he has a job to do. ***Bonus Story*** In addition to these Discworld novels, this collection also includes a full-cast dramatisation of Only You Can Save Mankind, from the Johnny Maxwell series. As an alien fleet crosses his computer screen, Johnny prepares to blow the ScreeWee into a million pieces... 'The voice cast is fantastic' - Starburst ©2018 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd (P)2018 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd

Terry Pratchett: The BBC Radio Drama Collection

A BBC comedy drama set in the world of a "pile 'em high university". Karen Poynter is the new head of the Geography Department - renamed Geographical Tourism - at Hayborough University, which is definitely not part of the elite Russell Group of top universities. Ranked 132nd in the UK academic league table; if you have a pulse, you can have a degree. This is the high energy farce of the breeze block and grotty cafeteria, with all the endless meetings, the backstabbings and the sheer panic of a university setting. In an era of increasing fees and cutbacks, this satire has become all the more acute. Starring Sophie Thomson (Four Weddings and a Funeral, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt 1, Coronation Street) as Karen, with Jonathan Keeble (War and Peace) as the venal Dean. Episode list: Pilot show Partners Inspection The Price of Partnership Restructure Rebrand, Relaunch Clearing Privatisation, the Final Battle Year of the Rat Creative Solutions

Higher: The Complete Series 1-4

Christopher Lee's highly-acclaimed and award-winning BBC Radio 4 history of the British Empire. Britain had the biggest empire the world has ever known. At one time a quarter of the global land mass was British. Over a third of the world was insured at Lloyds. At his coronation, more than 400 million people saluted George V. Truly, the sun never set on this historical phenomenon. Whatever the day, whatever the hour, somewhere on the globe, the empire worked and played the British game, often absurdly so. BBC Radio 4's monumental history of Britain tells the story of the British Empire from its earliest beginnings through the years when British influence grew steadily around the globe, years when Britain took full advantage of the technical advances of its industrial revolution. Here are the origins of the modern nations of America, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, and of the ways in which British influence has affected, for better or for worse, nations such as India, Sri Lanka, and China. Here are the stories, not always happy and glorious, of Captain James Cook, Mungo Park, Warren Hastings, Sir Stamford Raffles, and David Livingstone. The story of the British Empire is one of enormous personalities, adventure, scientific and maritime development, and the building of one of the most complex international administrations the world has ever seen. ©2021 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd (P) 2021 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd

This Sceptred Isle: Empire

A quirky BBC Radio 4 comedy by Ben Lewis about a teenager who becomes an internet phenomenon. Originally broadcast as the ‘Afternoon Play’ on 17 September 2010.  This is the story of a legend in the making. A nervous young man lives at the dead end of a dead-end town. On his eighteenth birthday he comes into his inheritance. With a little help from an old teacher, he finds it equips him to broadcast over the internet.  Living in a house where rolling news is a constant presence, he does what comes naturally - he fires up his computer and presents the news. But his news is different. It puts a spring in its audience's step. That is, until his grandma starts to grow suspicious about what this boy is getting up to nightly in his bedroom and tries to put a stop to the broadcasts completely.  Starring Joshua Jenkins as the boy and Julia McKenzie as his grandma. Also featuring amongst the cast are Mark Heap, Peter Marinker and Alison Pettitt. Directed by Kirsty Williams.

Tiny

Penguin presents the audiobook edition of Cruelty by Roald Dahl, read by Will Self, Adrian Scarborough, Stephanie Beacham, Andrew Scott, Richard E Grant, Tamsin Greig, Mark Heap, Juliet Stevenson and Jessica Hynes. 'Cruelty has a human heart . . .' Even when we mean to be kind we can sometimes be cruel. We each have a streak of nastiness inside us. In these ten tales of cruelty master storyteller Roald Dahl explores how and why it is we make others suffer. Collected together for the first time, stories include The Great Automatic Grammatizator, Royal jelly, Mrs Bixby and the Colonel's Coat,The Swan, Poison, Skin, The Princess and the Poacher, Genesis and Catastrophe and Mr Feasey.

Cruelty

Penguin presents the audiobook edition of Deception by Roald Dahl, read by Richard Griffiths, Andrew Scott, Derek Jacobi, Mark Heap, Juliet Stevenson and Stephen Mangan. 'The cruelest lies are often told in silence . . .' Why do we lie? Why do we deceive those we love most? What do we fear revealing? In these ten tales of deception master storyteller Roald Dahl explores our tireless efforts to hide the truth about ourselves. Collected together for the first time, stories include My Lady Love, My Dove, Mildenhall Treasure, The Parson's Pleasure, Henry Sugar, The Umbrella Man, The Bookseller, Vengeance is Mine Inc., Lamb to the Slaughter, Mr Botibol and Man from the South.

Deception

Series 11-15 of the major BBC Radio 4 drama charting life on the home front during the First World War – plus special extended episode Home Front: A Fragile Peace First heard on radio between 4 August 2014 and 9 November 2018, each episode of Home Front is set exactly one hundred years before the broadcast date, and each follows one character’s day. Together they create a mosaic of experience from a wide cross-section of society, mixing historical fact with enthralling fiction to explore how ordinary people coped with daily life in wartime Britain. Back in Folkestone, the residents are dealing with the after-effects of a devastating air raid. Howard Argent is kept busy at the Bevan, while Ulysses Pilchard experiments with electro-shock therapy. Meanwhile, women’s suffrage, prostitution and unmarried mothers are hot topics, and Kitty Lumley experiences the sharp end of intolerance. In Tyneside, ripples from the 1917 Bolshevik Revolution lead to a rise in union activity, and the factory faces the threat of strike action from the munitionettes. And in Devon, women, children and prisoners of war are being put to work on the land. With Britain on the brink of starvation, summer 1918’s harvest is crucial – but conscientious objectors, unwilling or unable to help, arouse fury. As the Great War moves towards its end, can the wounded communities back home find some sort of peace, however fragile? Tackling themes including trauma and madness, industrial unrest, morality and sexuality, surrogate labour and the outbreak of peace are some of radio’s foremost dramatists including Katie Hims, Shaun McKenna and Sarah Daniels. Among the extensive cast are Helen Schlesinger, Kathryn Beaumont, Roy Hudd and Billy Kennedy, with guest appearances from Geoffrey Palmer and Mark Heap. Also included is Home Front: A Fragile Peace, a special 75-minute episode which flashes forward to explore the lives of the characters on 10 November 1919.

Home Front: The Complete BBC Radio Collection Volume 3

BBC Radio 4 Sitcom by Tom Collinson starring Reece Shearsmith, Mark Heap and Rosie Cavaliero. In the wake of a marital break-up, Dave finds himself living in the storage unit in which he keeps his belongings. Dave is accompanied by his fellow inhabitant, the borderline psychotic Geoff, and cultured security guard Ron. In this second series Dave's sister moves in with him, he celebrates his birthday, is offered a job and finally has to face up to the possibility of moving out. Starring: Reece Shearsmith ('The League of Gentleman'), Mark Heap ('Spaced'), Tom Goodman-Hill ('Ideal'), Rosie Cavaliero ('Saxondale') and Susan Earl. Originally broadcast November - December 2008.

Self Storage

Eric Feeble is 40, a single parent, and works in the Data department at Power Enterprises. His expertise in the field of stress management is very much rooted in personal experience (such as coping with an underachieving son and an allergy-ridden daughter, sharing a house with a criminally-inclined au pair and having an office next to the gentlemen's lavatory). His stress management guide deals with the real problems of today: having to boast about your child when he's self-evidently talentless and ugly, having to listen to bagpipes, having to do Daniel Deronda at charades and having to watch Keanu Reeves act. This guide takes a critical look at the causes of stress and at current therapies, assessing their usefulness from a layperson's point of view (ie, it's not just another pile of pants written by an American called Dwight Freem). Performed by Mark Heap, with Morwenna Banks and Geoffrey McGivern.

Stressed Eric's Guide To Stress Management

Penguin presents the unabridged, downloadable, audiobook edition of Mabel Jones and the Forbidden City by Will Mabbit, read by Mark Heap. Mabel Jones is ready for her second unlikely adventure - another hilarious story by Will Mabbitt. What would you do if hungry vines emerged from your wardrobe and stole your baby sister? If you're Mabel Jones and afraid of nothing, you'd follow! Between Mabel and her goal is a dangerous jungle, filled with deadly monsters and poisoned jelly babies. Can she defeat the Witch Queen and rescue her sister, or is this the last we'll see of Mabel Jones . . .?

Mabel Jones

Mabel Jones and the Forbidden City

Kafka’s finest works adapted for BBC radio – plus a biographical play, three discussion pieces and the award-winning Kafka The Musical A lawyer by day, Franz Kafka spent his nights writing visionary stories and novels exploring bureaucracy, power and alienation – iconic fiction that gave the world the adjective ‘Kafkaesque’. This BBC anthology showcases his most famous works. Metamorphosis tells the tale of Gregor Samsa, who wakes one morning to find himself transformed into a giant insect. Starring Tom Basden, this Radio 4 production gives Kafka’s classic a modern twist with a darkly comic edge. In The Trial, a protagonist known only as ‘K’ is plunged into a nightmare world when he is accused of an unknown crime. Iwan Rheon leads an all-star cast including Phil Davis and Mark Heap. Set in 1911, Kafka’s debut novel The Man Who Disappeared (Amerika) features a young man from Prague, sent away to the New World after an indiscretion with a girl. Read by Carl Prekopp, Tiny Tales offers an exquisite study in restlessness, while Dermot Crowley narrates the short story ‘A Country Doctor’. Also included is Franz and Felice, a biographical play, and the Kafkaesque drama Kafka: The Musical, in which the author finds he has been cast to play himself in a show about his own life. David Tennant stars in this award-winning Radio 3 production. Three fascinating documentary programmes round off our collection, with discussions pieces on the man and the work. First published 1915 (Metamorphosis), 1916 (‘A Country Doctor’), 1925 (The Trial), 1927 (Amerika) © 2024 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd. (P) 2024 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd

Franz Kafka: The Trial, Metamorphosis, Amerika & more

Penguin presents the audiobook edition of Lust by Roald Dahl, read by Mark Heap, Derek Jacobi, Richard E Grant, Gillian Anderson, Shane Rimmer, Julian Rhind-Tutt and Jessica Hynes. We fall not in love but in lust . . . Lust, in all its myriad forms, consumes us. What won't we do to achieve our heart's desire? In these ten tales of twisted love master storyteller Roald Dahl explores how our darkest impulses reveal who we really are. Collected together for the first time, stories include Madame Rosette, Neck, Georgy Porgy, The Visitor, The Last Act, The Great Switcheroo, Bitch, Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life, The Ratcatcher and Nunc Dimittis.

Lust

All twelve episodes of the BBC comedy drama about a man forced to live in a storage unit, starring Reece Shearsmith When his marriage breaks up and he loses his job, Dave Preston has no choice but to move all his possessions – and himself – into The Storage Garden. But he’s not alone in his predicament – his fellow storage dweller, the mysterious and slightly psychotic Geoff, is in the same situation, and both are under the watchful eye of cultured security guard Ron. As he hunkers down among the boxes of pebbles, unidentifiable bits of metal and cups without saucers, Dave picks over his failed relationship with ex-wife Sarah, and prepares to face the future. But life gets a lot more complicated when his sister Judy has a string of rows with her husband and decides to move in with Dave. Then, just as he’s becoming resigned to his fate, Dave finds a new place to stay – but can he go through with it? Wry, warm and wonderfully written, this offbeat sitcom stars Reece Shearsmith (Inside No. 9) as Dave, Mark Heap (Upstart Crow) as Geoff, and Tom Goodman-Hill (Lewis) as Ron, with Rosie Cavaliero (Gentleman Jack) as Judy and Philip Jackson (Agatha Christie’s Poirot) as Dad. Production credits Written by Tom Collinson and Barnaby Power Produced by Ed Morrish Cast Dave – Reece Shearsmith Geoff – Mark Heap Ron – Tom Goodman-Hill Judy – Rosie Cavaliero Sarah – Susan Earl Boss/Estate agent/Des – Phil Nichol Dad – Philip Jackson Liz – Nadia Kamil Mickey – Paul Putner Shop Assistant/Sioux/Stewardess – Helen Longworth Brian – Stephen Critchlow First broadcast on BBC Radio 4, 19 September-24 October 2007 (Series 1), 5 November-10 December 2008 (Series 2) © 2024 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd. (P) 2024 BBC Studios Distribution Ltd.

Self-Storage: The Complete Series 1 and 2

A full-cast BBC Radio 4 dramatisation of Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman’s celebrated apocalyptic comic novel. According to the Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch, the world will end on a Saturday. Next Saturday in fact. Just after Any Answers on Radio 4…. Events have been set in motion to bring about the End of Days. The armies of Good and Evil are gathering and making their way towards the sleepy English village of Lower Tadfield. The Four Horsepersons of the Apocalypse - War, Famine, Pollution and Death - are assembling. Witchfinder Shadwell and his assistant Newton Pulsifier are also en route to Tadfield to investigate unusual phenomena in the area, while Anathema Device, descendent of prophetess Agnes Nutter, tries to decipher her ancestor’s cryptic predictions. Atlantis is rising; fish are falling from the sky; everything seems to be going to the Divine Plan. Everything, that is, but for an unlikely angel and demon duo, who have been living on Earth for several millennia and have become rather fond of the place. If they are to prevent Armageddon they’ve got to find and kill the one who will bring it about: the Antichrist himself. There’s just one small problem: someone seems to have mislaid him… Adapted, sound designed and co-directed by Dirk Maggs (Neverwhere, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) this first ever dramatisation of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman’s novel features a large cast including Peter Serafinowicz, Mark Heap, Josie Lawrence and Paterson Joseph.

Good Omens

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